Dookey Earl... Pukey, Hurls!

by Harry B. Sanderford

Reigning Ex Ex Games Containment Competition champ, Earl "Retainy" Gainey, blew chunks Saturday after clinching his fifth world title in the 6th Annual Exlax Extreme Games. Gainey, who has long attributed his counter-crapping capabilities to a near bovine tolerance for lactose, stirred widespread panic at one point during the competition when, fearing he'd blow, Earl's grimace and gutteral growl sent the crowd of constipatory constituents clamoring for the exits. Earl managed to keep his shit together long enough to defeat fellow fecal freighter "Skid" Mark Loafster, but moments later erupted spewing Vesuvius volumes of vintage but vile and viscous vomit from veranda to vestibule. Following Ret Rainbird's imitation, manager Dung King was quick to issue a statement countering speculation that the champ's bungus may have actually grown shut. Proven true, these allegations would have led to Gainey’s disqualification, but King assured the press that Earl had indeed employed an XXG-approved asshole, leading to further speculation as to whether King referred to himself. Reached for comment, "Retainy" seemed unconcerned - "Retention records come and go," he offered, then further articulated, "but all that corn... I ain’t ate no corn in two years!"


Harry B. Sanderford, author of Reach For It, is a Central Florida surfing cowboy who'd sooner spin yarns than mend fences. (Sometimes the eighth grader who lives in his head gets a hold of his keyboard and must be indulged before Harry can move on.)