Bitter Chick Channels Henry Chinaski

by Nicole Criona

I'm sick of my collection of commitment-phobic faux husbands who faux-date me. They pay for meals, fix my sink, kill spiders, and teach me how to flea-bomb my apartment. One is gay — and I never dated him — so he gets to stay. For the rest, I'm working my way up to faux-divorcing them. After they each buy me a few more drinks, I think I'll present them with a post-dating faux-nuptial agreement. That will get rid of them.


Nicole Criona. Los Angeles native (one of the few left). Writer. Co-Owner of LAwritersgroup.com, where writers are placed in grass-roots writers groups. Gripe-Blogger at Verbs via Ones and Zeros. Her favorite character in all literature is the evil science genius Crouton, who wants to take over the world and turn it into cheese, invented by her 5-year old nephew who leads the battle against him. Most importantly, faux-bitch.


jeff alan said...

Oh, the irony. It's good to see that the spirit of ole Buk is alive and well, and still mad as hell.

Writeprocrastinator said...

You faux-polygamist, you.

Excellent six, Nicole.

jewgirl said...

Absolutely fantastic, crionaberry! This is a tits yarn. Hilar squared.

Madam Z said...

Sounds like those commitment-fauxbs have faux-mented a revolution!

Anonymous said...

Very cool piece.

Al Sensu said...

Can I have a faux-affair with you?

Nicole Criona said...

omg. i AM a faux-polymagist, writepro!! hahahaha

al - Any faux-time, any faux-place.

madam - faux-mented is my new favorite word.

you know you have a decent story when jewgirl calls it a "tits yarn."

thanks for all the comments, they are so fun to read!

Anonymous said...

The problem with the guys you have been dating is they are epicenic. If they would stop painting their faux nails and act like real men they might have more time for a real commitment. I should know. I have known you for 39 of your 41 years. Your loving kin

Pretty Lush said...

You had me at Chinaski. Love it.