Umbrella Death March

by Diane Bossotti

It’s one of those overcast NY days where the sky is heavy with rain, forcing you to carry an umbrella or risk being soaked through when the sky finally decides to release its torrent. I carry my fake Coach umbrella folded small enough to fit into my pocketbook... but not everyone thinks as small as me. As I absently walk to work, I am assaulted by a battery of big, metal-tipped umbrellas swinging toward me from owners who hold these rain weapons at a perilous, perpendicular angle under their arms, oblivious to the assault they’re making into my personal space. I jump to the left... to the right... back to the left... to avoid the sharp, metal tips that swing with heat-seeking precision, almost jabbing me in the gut or clipping me under a boob. I have immediate scorn for the men (yes, it’s always men) selfishly swinging these umbrellas as an attack wages behind them. I hiss through my teeth, “this means war!” as I push forward on my Umbrella Death March.


Diane Bossotti, author of Men in Suits, continues to wage a one-woman battle against these Umbrella Heat-Seeking Missiles. But just the other day, she saw a ray of hope: a man carrying his umbrella close to his body in a vertical line.