20070627

Ice and Woe

by Madam Z

Sadie was from California, where the roads were good... never full of potholes and never, ever covered with frigging ice and snow. But her doofus husband insisted they move to frigging Pennsylvania, and because Sadie was such a spineless DOORMAT, she went along with him, although in her mind she could picture two deep ruts in the highway, all the way from Los Angeles to Lancaster, formed by her heels digging into the asphalt. So, that first winter was hell on wheels, as her wheels encountered the wretched zero-friction, ice-slick roads, roads where the only places you didn’t skid were the foot-deep potholes which dotted the back country cowpaths she had to negotiate to get to and from their miserable so-called farm. One January day, the sky was clear, so she decided it was safe to venture into the city and do some shopping, but by the time she reached center city the sky was darkening, and feathery, white snow flurries quickly coated the streets. She panicked, and decided to turn back, but found herself at an intersection where she needed to turn left, but cars kept coming from the left and in the meantime cars were piling up behind her, and the snow was swirling every which way and THEN some ASSHOLE behind her started HONKING at her and she got so angry she rolled down her window and leaned out and shouted at the top of her lungs, “BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!” The honker then rolled down his window and yelled back at her, “It’s a one way street and you can’t turn left,” which embarrassed Sadie half to death and she yanked her wheel to the right and skidded all the way home, vowing to stay in the goddamned house until Hell froze over.

6S

Madam Z, author of Six Stages of the Rose/Woman, is all thawed out and ready to party.

7 comments:

Margery said...

I liked this very much, Madame Z. The buildup to the shopping trip was so eventful that by the time that trip was ruined I was really sad for her. Thanks for a great read!

Anonymous said...

Oh I loved this! It gave me a great laugh. I've never had the nerve to scream it out the window, but countless times have is yelled "blow it out your ass" inside the car w/ the windows rolled up.
By the time I work up the courage to open my window and scream it out to someone, I hope it's not followed by, "Oops, sorry, nevermind."
from Caccy46

ned said...

Awesome as usual.

mgirl said...

I wish I had the nerve to yell it out my window. My daughter does, but not me. I keep my window closed and they read my lips.

Harry said...

Sadie's from California? "Blow It Out Your Ass" sounds like a New Jersey directive often followed by "Ya fat bastaad!". Cal drivers usually just skip the small talk and swap lead.

Quin said...

delightfully written and a delight to read.

twizzle said...

had me laughing! great writing as usual madam z...