Rescue Me

by Katie Schwartz

Rescuers treat pure breed owners like it’s a crime to buy versus save. Hello — allergies, and fuck me for not wanting some neurotic, skittish, was tied to a tree for a month, canine that pees on you every time you pet him and shits on the floor when you make eye contact. “We don’t know how old she is, but she’s missing an eye and has cataracts in her good eye, the poor thing, she’s also deaf and she can’t bark because someone severed her vocal chords; isn’t that awful?” Just what I always wanted, the Helen Keller of Canines. It’s like rescuing the most impaled looking creature you can find has become a status symbol (what’s next - a black market for tethered and weathered canines?). Maybe some reproductive enthusiast will come up with a new breed, SNATS — Snakes breed with cats, or Alliots — Alligators breed with parrots; I ask you, IS there ANYTHING that could possibly top a flying, scaly loud mouth?!


Katie Schwartz, who asked if you had an Exiled Christian Kid to Spare, is a comedy writer and essayist. She's written for Ostrich Ink, Girlistic Magazine, Farmhouse Magazine, Tastes Like Chicken, and a host of other festive rags. She also has a blog, All the Way from Oy to Vey, filled with her OCD about the zealotinas of the world and rants about nothing in particular.


Anonymous said...

Helen Keller of canines - you are TOO MUCH.

Madam Z said...

I disagree with "anonymous," Katie. You are not "TOO MUCH," you are JUST RIGHT! I agree with you about the "buy versus save" scene. I don't have the heart or the stamina to take care of HK. I feel sorry for the poor things, but *I* would probably be "neurotic, skittish," and peeing on the floor if I attempted to care for one of them.

Harry said...

Ol' Skinny Cat was just like his bony name when I took pity on him and gave him some food three years ago. He was pathetic and beaten and sitting out back on my canoe. It was either I give him a handful of food or wait a day and bury him. He isn't skinny anymore. I am hoping you meant impaired rather than impaled and wondering why you would even want a pet in the first place. Shame on you you heartless bitch. I enjoy comedy, got any?

Madam Z said...

Harry! You are, no doubt, kind to animals, but you are being mean to Katie! Her beloved dog recently died and she has grieved for him more than any pet owner I have ever known. Just because Katie and I don't have the ability to care for "impaired" animals doesn't make us "heartless bitch(es)!" We're just cowardly.

I would, however, feed starving animals, and have done so. I'm pretty sure Katie would too.

Harry said...

You're right Z and I'll apologize to Katie for being mean. That skinny neighbor of hers though, the one that goes around skipping lunch? She's still a bitch right? Maybe Katie'll put a saucer of cheetos out for her.

katiegirl said...

ya's are so funny, you know that. madam z, you are a riot and most kind. thank you, doll.

harry, I want to assure you that rescue me was meant to be a humor piece. I realize you didn't find it funny and that's ok. it was meant to be funny, though.

it sounds like ol' skinny cat was/is near and dear to your heart. I relate completely. as madam z said, I just lost my beloved canine and the loss is unbearable.

paulbrazill said...

It's a hoot Katie!