Exiled Christian Kid to Spare?

by Katie Schwartz

I wouldn’t mind a secondhand child, provided she was an exiled Zealot Christian. Someone fleeing from homemaking, cooking, cleaning, modest clothing, apron making, submitting to peens and indoctrination into the word. A girl who wanted to learn the art of freedom, feminism, humor, independence, autonomy, Judaism and the beauty of being able to do anything she wanted in life. After all of that if she still wanted to go back to homemaking and Christianity that wouldn’t be ok. I’d be saturated in guilt and cloaked in shame, eclipsed only by the fact that she’d have gained freewill. In the end, I wouldn’t accept her choice, but I would respect it and her enough.


Katie Schwartz, who is not a Bitch, is a comedy writer and essayist. She's written for Ostrich Ink, Girlistic Magazine, Farmhouse Magazine, Tastes Like Chicken, and a host of other festive rags. She also has a blog, All the Way from Oy to Vey, filled with her OCD about the zealotinas of the world and rants about nothing in particular.


Madam Z said...

Hey Katie, could you use a secondhand mother? I'd like to learn all those cool features myself. I'm no kind of Christian, but still got subjected to all those homemaking and submitting doctrines. I hope you are able to "adopt" many children and show them they are "able to do anything (they want) in life." But please don't be "saturated in guilt and cloaked in shame" if they go back to their bad, old ways. Self-flagellation is just one more burden of the subjugated woman.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Ah, kids. First you raise them, then they break your heart.

A nNice, concise six.

Anonymous said...

Any chimp can write six sentences!
Do a story in six words!

Sex change. Time machine. Fuck self.

Quin said...

christian, hasidim, islamic...there are quite a few religious cultures that are based on those hard doctrines. grab one from each religious group, see how it works out.

Beth said...

Also: a girl fleeing from the Christian mullet. Why do those Prairie Muffin chicks always wear that mullet with the curled bangs? Do they not allow mirrors in their Kristian homes?

paulbrazill said...

For some reason I'm reminded of when Dino met Pat Boone, he said 'When I shook hands with him my whole rght side sobered up'.