I Shall Be Punished

by Stephanie Bee

Today I have been wicked. After skipping the gym to stay in bed with my vibrator, I ate a huge breakfast and pitifully emailed the drunk idiot who took me out for a bad date last weekend. At the office I used the company's messenger service to send a CD to my best friend (who lives four blocks from me), gobbled five chocolate-chip cookies from the snack cart, and refused to smile patiently when the intern screwed up the only thing I asked him to do. After work I lied to my psychiatrist, answered the phone when my commitment-phobe late-night hook-up booty called me (no doubting looking for one thing), shared an entire bottle of red wine with my roommate, and spent $8 on junk food I didn't need. And then after all this, I sat in my room, door closed, window shut, chain-smoking cherry-flavored cigarettes and crying about the one who broke my heart. I think tomorrow I shall work harder at making healthy decisions.


Stephanie Bee, author of This is How I Start My Day, was trained as an investigative reporter, and has lived all over the world, including London and Australia. She currently resides in New York City with two fabulous roommates who politely deal with her assortment of male suitors. You can read more about the sagas of Stephanie's love life (and other adventures) at Spread Eagle in NYC.