The Celebrity Series: Paris

by Kimi Goodrich

Are you there God, it’s me Paris. God, you have to help me please, I promise this is my last favor, and I want you to know, I like, really appreciate the fact that you found Tinkerbell and brought her back safely, and Lindsay Lohan got caught doing coke like I prayed would happen, and that cop who pulled me over for the 20th time while I was drunk didn’t end up reporting me, thank you for all of that, but I have one last favor please. Wait, did you like, see that I went to church for you a little while ago, and I like, seriously prayed and talked to you, and I said you were hot, and I really like, no seriously, I like, totally believe it, and God, didn’t you like my white dress that totally, like, went 2 inches way below my knees, and I was like, completely wearing underwear, not only that, but they weren’t thongs, or even string bikinis, they were the real deal granny panties that said "God is Hot" on them that I totally made just for you. So God, since I totally have your back, and gave all of my friends “Jesus is my Homeboy” hats, can I ask one favor? I have to go to jail God, and I am totally devastated about it, I totally, like, can’t stop crying about it, and my mom says something about taxing the money is being wasted, and my dad, well my dad hasn’t said anything except how proud of me he is, and Nicky is just like, the best sister ever, she is so supportive, she totally made a black and white striped purse in my honor, and even though Candy Spelling was really mean to me I forgive her, because her daughter is like, totally not hot and a homewrecker, which is way worse than driving drunk a couple of times, and I am lucky that I will be in the special unit jail because I am special and everyone loves me. So, I have to go to jail, and I don’t want to and my one favor is could you please make my jumpsuit the blue one and not orange?


Kimi Goodrich, author of The Celebrity Series: Lindsay, has a confession to make. She is addicted to the website Penance 7 and is actively sinning in order to anonymously confess.