The Celebrity Series: Lindsay

by Kimi Goodrich

Fuck, I think, I’ve only got an hour before I need to get the hell out of here and expose myself, gotta keep my face in the game, my name in the papers, who the fuck cares if people only think I like to party, I am Lindsay fucking Lohan, I am a terrific actress, I am friends with Al fucking Gore, I am untouchable, I can do whatever want. What I want to do is another line, so I grab it from the table I am sitting on in my thong, because my ass is so great, every fucking freckle on it is great, shit my tits are great too, in their freckled glory and perfectly pink nipples, maybe I will 'forget' to wear my bra tonight and give those annoying paps what they want, fucking perverts! Where the hell is my blackberry, ah here it is, I’ve gotta call my mom and tell her what club we are going to, wait, my mom can wait, I should do another line, and I should take a shot, from my water bottle, heh, they all really think it is water, fucking idiots, I have them fooled! Look at me, I am so pretty and smart, I am smart to snort the coke off of a mirror so that I can see how fucking hot I am naked, and look at my freckles, they are so fucking unique, those other bitches don’t have freckles all over, where the fuck is my blackberry, oh here it is in my hand, heh, right next to my coke, right, doing a line, and back to my red hair, Brandon Davis doesn’t even realize I am PROUD to be a firecrotch, that fat fuck thought he was dissing me, but come on, how many girls do you know whose curtains match the carpet? Ahh, the red carpet, I fucking love the red carpet, and the red carpet loves me, I am on every best dressed list, the designers die if I wear their clothes, they give me all the free coke I want, I haven’t had to pay for it in years, and I don’t really give a shit if everyone knows, I am untouchable, I am still a fucking great actress, and the coke merely helps me to stay awake after a night of partying, I don’t even remember what it is like to do a scene sober, fuck being sober, shit my mom, I really need to call her after this line, and one more shot, well three more shots and three more lines. Mom, hi, we’re going to Hyde tonight, but you know the drill, make sure you look hot but not hotter than me, go in the back door, stay the fuck away from my VIP booth, don’t let anybody see you doing things crazier than I will be doing, deflect anything that people might ask by telling them the usual bullshit like I just want to act, I am young and have no privacy, it’s a tragedy about the paparazzi, blah, blah and meet me in the bathroom every thirty minutes if you want a line, I will be in the usual stall with 3 of my friends.


Kimi Goodrich, author of Clockwatchers, has a confession to make. She is addicted to the website Penance 7 and is actively sinning in order to anonymously confess.