Happy New Me

by Madam Z

I’ve decided to be happy. How hard can it be? Just stop thinking negatively, remember the glass is half full, not half empty, turn-that-frown-upside-down, stop reading the newspaper and watching the evening news, ignore that persistent little pain in my abdomen, eat chocolate whenever I darned well feel like it, don’t look in the mirror ever, not even when brushing my teeth, remind myself that spring is just around the corner, resist the temptation to talk politics with my right-wing-zealot husband, find humor in the frequent situations where I walk into a room and have no idea whatsoever why I am there, understand that my grown children are just busy with their lives, not ignoring me, assure myself daily that I am not a defunct, decrepit piece of crap, watch some old Peewee Herman tapes and buy a new vibrator. Oh, wait... I forgot... I’m old, I’m broke, my husband and I fight over everything, my kids don’t care about me, I look like hell and feel worse, I’m halfway to Alzheimer’s, and Peewee turned out to be a big pervert. And now I went and knocked over my wine glass, so it’s 100% empty. But I am forcing the corners of my mouth to turn up, no matter how hard it is.


Madam Z, author of Flasher Fiction, lives, loves, and writes unpublished stories in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, though her heart is still in her native California, which makes it extremely difficult to do much aerobic exercise.