by Molly Williams
May inflict serious emotional pain on those whom he loves, thus causing general turmoil and tears when there is no need for it. May sabotage your first date by drinking more than he knows he should, and then getting on top of the bar and doing a sloppy rendition of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered.” Is almost ensured to say things that make him sound like a jerk when in the company of important people, e.g. minor celebrities, rich friends and your parents. Will definitely go through deep, intense “moody” phases that he consistently fails at explaining. Loves to pretend he’s Jay-Z in the shower — you will probably want to tear out your eardrums after the first few nights of this, but we’ll let you work that out. May also, under extreme conditions, bring love and happiness into your life — but this is a rare occurrence, and should be met with great alarm.
Molly Williams. Freshman in high school. Loves green tea ice cream and photographing, writing about and laughing at life.