by Steven Kunert
Right after midnight, rats set off firecrackers in the attic and roaches riot inside the walls. On the roof, raccoons rumble a ruckus as raucous mice rouse an orgy in my basement below. The dog can’t sleep, the cat’s got the creeps, the canary spasmodically peeps, cheeps and leaps, while my gerbil gently weeps. An hour later or so, suddenly all becomes still — ah, precious soundlessness — but, alas, too soon I’m awakened by the seeming roar of a Tyrannosaur ala Rex. Oh, such a hex, when lo and behold I realize it’s the lovely snout of my slumbering spouse who’s begun to snore. Now, you might implore, how I’d come to guess what the sound of a giant dinosaur is like, and only this can I tell you, my friend: just try sleeping with my wife.
Steven Kunert still seeks the perfect earplugs.