Ouija Boy

by Victor Lembrey

On St. Patrick’s Day in 1988, a young boy named Samuel Popp was struck by lightning. He survived, but his growth was permanently stunted; his body permanently magnetized. His mother took advantage by tattooing the alphabet, the words Yes, No and Goodbye, and the numbers 0 through 9 to his chest and stomach, and forcing him, whenever the Circus came to town, to swallow a small refrigerator magnet. Using his pectoral and abdominal muscles, the boy was able to manipulate a Ouija board indicator around his midsection to answer questions according to his mother’s directions. His mother, by shamelessly using her son, by telling people what they wanted to hear, made a handsome profit. Then one day – St. Patrick’s Day I believe – some cool leprechauns showed up and kidnapped the boy and changed his name to Seamus and gave him a better life, and the boy lived happily ever after.

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Victor Lembrey, who's all mixed up, wishes everyone a happy (and crazy) St. Patrick’s Day.