by Governor Sarah Palin
Alaskans – like me, America – don’t waste time, so I’m gonna get right to this. After a heart-to-heart talk with Todd, Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig, and Bristol’s boyfriend guy, I’ve decided to withdraw my name from the Republican ticket. Now please don’t be sad, and please don’t feel abandoned… it’s just that I had a really really vivid dream recently about John McCain being called by our heavenly father to serve in heaven much much sooner rather than later, and in the dream I was late for an exam and I couldn’t find my keys, and that awful Couric woman kept throwing newspapers at me. Honestly, my personal ambition and lifelong hunger for fame, money and power got the better of me, and I completely lost track… not my son, I mean I completely lost touch… with who I really am... deep, deep down inside: a beauty pageant contestant slash sportscaster. Please don’t be too hard on me. I ask you a favor tonight, my fellow Americans, and it is this… to look deep, deep in your heart, and ask yourself a simple question: if you were in my shoes last month, wouldn’t you do exactly what I did – take this opportunity and run with it?
Governor Sarah Palin, whose original title for this piece was “The Six to Nowhere,” is debating Senator Joe Biden tonight in St. Louis. (Unless she suspends her campaign to help solve the country’s financial crisis.)