by Joseph Lupoli
So... you call yourself a writer... when all you know is how to compose and present beautifully written and captivating novels and short stories? Are you perplexed when agents and publishers turn you down time and time again, especially when many of the best-selling authors you read write nothing but flat, generic, easily forgettable beach book tripe? Well, here at the Apex Technical School of Bogus Creative Writing, we’ll teach you how to pen and submit smut, junk, basic blood-and-gore trash, and even "children's books by accident!" But that’s not all! If you act now, we’ll get you started in our comprehensive workshop that will teach you how to downgrade your talent to the point where you’ll be able to write in a typo-laden, loathsome, threadbare, "shock value only" style so that agents and publishers will say YES! But remember, we can’t call you — you must CALL US!
Joseph Lupoli, who blogs here, resides with his wife in New Jersey. He is a coach/mentor for developmentally disabled children and adults. This makes him the most in-shape couch potato who ever lived. Joseph is not particularly of sound mind, but he doesn't hold that against the hundreds of agents and publishers who have turned his work down. In fact, he poses no threat at all to other living beings, even his wife. Most people he's never met actually like him. Joseph's hobbies include: playing lots of tennis, violently cursing at no one in particular while searching for his glasses in the morning, and boycotting TV in favor of great but obscure foreign films. He is also a certified mixed martial arts junkie.